My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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