I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
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I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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