grandma shit on top of the toilet
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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