Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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