I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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