my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize