Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
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Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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