god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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