I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
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My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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