Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
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So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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