Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
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The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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