The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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