Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
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It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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