We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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