i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize