Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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