Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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