I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
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I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
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I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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