Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
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Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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