Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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