apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
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Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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