She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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