you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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