I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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