I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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