I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
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We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dick very happy bro
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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