I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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