Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
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Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
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Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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