i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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