My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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