Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
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Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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