I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
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Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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