Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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