I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize