I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy sore nipples Batman
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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