Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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