My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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