Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We talked him into tasing himself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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