Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize