I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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