Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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