Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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