everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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