Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
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why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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