I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize