When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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