Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize