i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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