White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
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i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
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i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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