I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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